Darkness

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Do you ever feel like you're bleeding internally? Not literally, but like there is so much piling up inside of you that your spirit begins hemorrhaging? And you feel the bleeding getting heavier and heavier until it gets to the point that you are just completely dried up; depleted; your cup is empty and you have nothing left to give. It's at this point that the enemy has a foothold to invade your thoughts.

Those days that we get lost in distractions, in the to-do list, in the day to day activities; those days when we are “too busy” to get into the Word. When our mind isn't focused on God, but rather on worldly things. Those are the times when he seizes the opportunity to creep in; to seep into our mind; to remind us of the lies he says about us, rather than the truth that God says.

The enemy is more than glad to provoke struggle within you. At the root of those internal struggles is the feeling of simply not being good enough. Some days I'm reminded of everything I loath about myself. On those days, it really doesn't matter how much good I've done, how big my heart is, or how much I know God loves me, because on those days all I can see is everything that I've been told is undesirable about me. I remind myself (or rather Satan reminds me) of everything I am lacking. As those roots grow deeper into the soil, those roots of self-doubt and those roots of not being enough, nothing good grows from them. All that grows are my feelings of unworthiness.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13-14

I know I have been rescued; rescued from the darkness of sin and of abuse; rescued physically, rescued spiritually. But mentally, sometimes I still feel imprisoned to it. Mentally, I have suppressed the trauma, but on days when the enemy creeps in, it begins pulsing through my veins, slowly corrupting my heart, and it bleeds out into other areas of life.

I encourage others, validating their worth, while slowly being crushed by thoughts and feelings of my own worthlessness. The darkness consumes and convinces me that I am alone, that if anyone cared then they would see beyond the walls and barriers, but that if they did see, that if I truly bared all, I would be left more alone than ever. The enemy delivers yet another soul crushing revelation, he kicks me in the chest knocking me back another ten steps in the healing process, and commands of me that I give up, that I give in to the darkness. The only way I can cope is by pushing others into the light; finding those who need help escaping a similar fate.

I want my testimony to serve as a lifeline for others who are facing similar trauma. I want to walk alongside, encourage, love. I want to help them know that they are enough, that God sees them as a masterpiece, as his poem, and that the story He is writing for them doesn't have to end in darkness.

But the more I push others to the light, the less strength I have to resist the pull of darkness in myself. The darkness that commands me to believe I am alone, unworthy, unloved, unseen. The darkness that commands me to believe that I am a blip in time, with no meaning, no purpose. It's a constant battle between what I know to be true, and what the enemy presents as truth.

Sometimes it's easier to believe that God just forgot about you, that you slipped His mind. But, every day brings a new choice. The dawn of each new day brings a fresh opportunity to either embrace the truth of who God is and to live out His plans for you joyfully, or to listen to the lies of the enemy. This week, no matter how hard I tried not to, I listened to the lies. I listened to Satan tell me what a failure I am, how worthless I am, how unworthy of love and affection I am, how God just isn't enough to overcome those things, and how God just isn't enough to satisfy me. But today, today is a new day...a new day to choose to listen to His truth. Everything I have, including my struggles, are blessings from God. My worth, my identity, my passions, my struggles, and the whole of who I am is found in Christ, not in the things of this world. The tears that fell this week will be forgotten today as I embrace His love, His comfort, and His truth about who I am as His child.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9